Political Sex

At one point in her life Sarah Palin was in her early twenties, and apparently she had a functional vagina that she (like most chicks in their early twenties) liked to use with guys. *huh, that’s a weird way to put that, oh well*

For some reason this makes for a World Exclusive from the National Enquirer:

Publishing sources familiar with the contents of author Joe McGinniss’ highly-anticipated book “The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin” have revealed shocking secrets that will impact her decision to enter the 2012 presidential race.

In the book, which will be published on September 20^th, McGinniss claims Sarah had a steamy interracial hookup with basketball stud GLEN RICE less than a year before she eloped with her husband Todd.

Sarah hooked up with the NBA great, then a 6-foot-8 junior at the University of Michigan when he was playing in a college basketball tournament in Alaska in 1987, the book says. At the time, Sarah, just out of college, was working as a sports reporter for the Anchorage TV station KTUU.

In 1987 I won three goldfishes at my grade school’s carnival, which has just as much relevance for my future chances of being President as this World Exclusive. Looking back, I was really good at throwing ping pong balls into small bowls. And now look at me… nothin’ but a waste of god-given talent.

I am not proud of that subject line; I was going for a play on the scene in Pulp Fiction where Jules keeps telling Brett to “Say what again.” Because in the clip from the Sarah Palin movie people keep calling her a CEO – that she was the CEO of Alaska. I don’t think it played. I really could have done better, and for that I am sorry. And don’t mistake my apology for weakness, because I’ll still rape you if you stumble into my pawn shop. From this story:

After debuts in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina later this month, the pro-Sarah Palin film “The Undefeated” is headed for nationwide release.

…the current version contains so much profanity — mostly from comedians and pundits cursing about Palin – as well as violent file footage of war used to portray the attacks against Palin as particularly savage, that it does not yet have a rating.

I did not expect a movie about Sarah Palin to need to be cut to get a PG-13 or even R rating. God damn, how pissed off would you be if you went to an NC-17 movie about Sarah Palin and didn’t get to see full frontal.

Sarah Palin – who is known for being the Governor of Alaska for a bit, and some other stuff - and her slutty daughter Bristol Palin have decided they are some marketable they better make sure no one else can make money off their personal ”brands.” From this story:

The possible GOP presidential candidate and her Dancing with the Stars child have filed applications with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to trademark ”Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin,” according to AOL’s Politics Daily.

Didn’t Hustler vs. Jerry Falwell decide that if someone is a public figure they are open for satire and parody…

On a totally different subject, a Political Sex reporter was able to get a very candid interview with Bristol Palin where she opens up about her first lesbian experince:

PALIN: My first time was in a small ice fishing shack outside Wasilla, Alaska.

INTERVIWER: Wasn’t it a little cramped?

PALIN: Not after I kicked the grizzly bear out.

INTERVIEWER: I see. You must tell me about it.

PALIN: I never really expected to make it with Mom, but then after she showed all the other girls in town such a good time, I figured, “What the hell.”

INTERVIEWER: But your mom? Isn’t that a bit odd?

PALIN: I don’t think so, she’s hot.

INTERVIEWER: Go on.

PALIN: Well, we were drunk off our asses. And Mom looked better than a Christian whore with a $100 campaign donation.

Enough already! I think tonight is the last episode of the dancing show with Sarah Palin’s slutty daughter. She may win the whole thing, or not, or, what were we talking about… Slutty teenagers? Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m for them. Slutty teenagers usually turn into slutty adults. And if there’s one thing this world needs more of is sluts.

Oh wait, Bristol Palin should go away after tonight. Sure, people will try to make her relevant for that reality show jerk-fest her mom is doing, but let’s remember that hardly anyone actually watches cable. So, just because you may get a flash of her while channel surfing up to HDNet (awesome channel by-the-way, they show tits) doesn’t mean that she is anyone that should be considered important in any way. At least there’s a solid chance she’ll be corrupted by the Hollywood lifestyle, ending up all coked-out and locked in Charlie Sheen’s bathroom. That’s when you know you’ve arrived.

Wasn’t the slutty daughter of Sarah Palin (she’s that dopey idiot who was Republican vice presidential candidate) a hot 17 year old… Look at that picture of her on the cover of US Magazine. This is why I never talk to girls after I have sex with them, just in case I knock them up – they turn into chubby little school-marms. And I don’t even know what I marm is, which means marms are so unattractive it doesn’ t even work as a porn spoof (because if they did, I would have seen it – admitting to watching porn makes me edgy and real). From this story:

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston reveal exclusively in the new Us Weekly that they are getting married.

And, they tell Us Weekly, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been kept in the dark about their plans … until now.

Oh no, what will Sarah do… oh, right, put out a press release:

Bristol at 19 is now a young adult. We obviously want what’s best for our children. Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives.

So Sarah Palin’s daughter get knocked up by some loser, and it’s a great example of the trials we all go through, and then the loser runs away and does Playgirl and Sarah Palin calls him Ricky Hollywood, an aspiring porn actor, and now that the daughter and the loser are getting married it’s a great example of forgiveness. We should all take a lesson from Bristol Palin.

That kid is pretty cute, though; it’s just unfortunate he comes from the gene pool equivalent of mixing Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola.