My fine Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger – you may remember him from the movie Jingle All The Way, is celebrating Cinco De Mayo today of all days (estoy bromeando); seriously, with all this boycotting Arizona for being racist stuff going on, maybe Arnold shouldn’t have a group of Mexican men performing for a bunch of white people. So insensitive… Not in the picture, Arnold’s new Lt. Governor Abel Maldonado (who was raised by Mexican immigrants)… when asked where he was, Arnold told me Abel was in the kitchen washing dishes.

Necesito una quinta parte de tequila.

Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his California State of the State speech today. I think. I live in California, but I wasn’t really paying attention; what the hell could he have possibly said that matters to anyone. All I care is that I saw in a headline that this is his last year in office; not that I want him out because he’s ruining whatever and bleh… who cares, no one’s going to do any better. I’m just looking forward to some new Schwarzenegger films. What? Like you’re over him or something? That man made some great movies and you know it’s true! You know it!

A letter written by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to the California Assembly. Do you see it? The first letter of the first word of each sentence in the body. 

For, Unnessessary, Care, Kick  Yet, Overwelmingly, Unnecessary…

No? FUCK YOU… No I’m not cussing at you, that’s what it says. F-U-C-K Y-O-U.

This is the best thing Arnold has ever done, besides in Conan the Barbarian when he gets wasted and punches a horse; that is the best thing anyone has ever done. But this is really, really funny.

Here’s a story about it, if you want.

Everything must go… Arnold Schwarzenegger, my humble governor, after a mind-numbing couple of months hanging out with some of the dullest douche bags in the world – politicians – talking about the dullest, douchiest thing – budgeting – he decides to ham it up a bit online. And he’s taking guff for it; how can he joke around at a time like this… Because without a sense of humor Arnold would probably recreate the police station scene from The Terminator down the halls of the State Building.

Now he has to defend the stupid thing. Though all that matter is that he said this:

• “So just relax and have a little bit of a sense of humor.”

Calm down suckas! Bitches…

First off, why are the smiling… because California finally agreed upon a potential budget – on July 20th!

• By constitutional requirement, the Governor’s Budget must be accompanied by a Budget Bill itemizing recommended expenditures which shall be introduced in each house of the Legislature. The Constitution also requires that the Legislature pass the bill by June 15.

Blah. Whatever. What’s a constitution but just a suggestion on what should be done, a loose, interpret-as-you-go, willy-nilly hypothetical… California sucks, our politicians are stupid. If it wasn’t the greatest place to live, I’d be so out of here. But it is really nice. I’ve been to like 14 other places, and by far California beats them all.

Check out the story about the budget. You don’t even have to be in California to appreciate it, and actually better if you’re not – pure comedy. Let’s just say, don’t invest in any kids currently in a California public school.

• …agreed on a scheme to pay $9.5 billion to public schools beginning in 2012 to make up for education cuts in the current budget.

First, I love all the ‘schemes’ and ‘gimmicks’ and such. That’s what you want your leaders doing, scheming – awesome. And ’2012′! And ‘to make up for’! This is incredible.

• The deal would also include other accounting gimmicks, such as a one-time plan to pay state workers one day late – on July 1, 2010, instead of June 30, 2010 – so that the spending is done in the next fiscal year instead of the current one.
  

They didn’t print the best plan; Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to sell cosmetic and cleaning products, and then for just five-thousand dollars Assembly Speaker Karen Bass can buy the ability to sell the same products, and then when the Senate and Assembly members want to get in on it they’ll buy the ability to sell from Karen Bass, and Arnold will get a percentage of their money. And every time someone buys the ability to sell the products, Arnold and all the people in the state government will get a percentage of it. Genius! Where do we sign up… you see, the trick is to use your own products…