Political Sex

How come when Barbara Boxer speaks I feel the need to cut thin parallel lines across the inside of my right thigh with a shard of broken glass… Anyway, that Senator who cheated on his wife with one of his staffers who was married to another one of his staffers – called the Cynthia and Doug Hampton – and then quit the day he was supposed to answer questions in front of an ethics committee has been found by that committee to be in violations of some ethics stuff, from this story:

The ethics report said there is also evidence that:

• Ensign and his parents “made false statements” about the $96,000 payment and that the money amounted to an unreported campaign contribution in violation of federal law and Senate rules.
• Ensign discriminated on the basis of sex and engaged in improper conduct by terminating the Hamptons’ employment because of the affair.
• Ensign engaged in potential obstruction of justice and got rid of documents.

Basically, homeboy is F’d in the A. But will he go to prison? I don’t know. What I do know is that we won’t hear about this dude again until he either gets sentenced or gets off, or kills himself out of shame, or his wife kills him for ruining her life.

What I dig about politics is that we don’t officially care at all about whether or not a politician cheats on their spouse; they may be compelled to resign for personal reasons, and because they’ll have a hard time getting reelected, but all we really care about is if they spent any money on their bitches.

If you’re a politician, set aside a couple thousand dollars of your own money, and make sure there’s a money trail to prove that, just for when you end up banging some chick who gets all chick-ity on you and you have to spend a couple bucks to make her leave you alone. Because you will get caught, it might be kind of a pain in the ass for a bit, but at least you won’t go to jail.

What is wrong with politicians? No one remembers that Senator John Ensign banged some wife of someone that worked for him – and you’re probably even wondering who the hell John Ensign is (doesn’t matter). But here he is, resigning tomorrow – reminding everyone that he’s a cheater; well, I guess it could be because he was going to be investigated, from this story:

Nevada Sen. John Ensign, facing an ethics investigation stemming from an affair with a campaign aide, will resign his seat on Friday, his office announced Thursday afternoon.

The decision now to resign with more than 20 months left in his term would spare him prosecution by the Senate Ethics Committee, which in February named a special counsel to investigate potential violations of ethics rules and federal law.

He says he hasn’t done anything wrong, but doesn’t want to drag his family through a humiliating hearings. Which of course is the line that politicians use when they know they’re guilty of something. And he’s probably bowing out now, because someone from the Republican Party told him they could work it out so he doesn’t get in any trouble if he just goes away.

I blame his wife’s crazy buff arms. It be like having sex with a featherweight boxer; one of the taller, lankier ones.