Political Sex

A new year, a new Nobel Peace Prize winner – it’s some guy in China fighting for civil rights, blah, blah, no one really cares about the Nobel Peace Prize. What President Barack Obama cares about is that he’s won it. Here’s the first line in his statement about the most recent winner:

One year ago, I was humbled to receive the Nobel Peace Prize – an award that speaks to our highest aspirations, and that has been claimed by giants of history and courageous advocates who have sacrificed for freedom and justice.

Were you? Were you humbled? Sure. Right. Humble. Whatever, if I won the Nobel Peace Prize I would tell every single hot chick person I saw; I would use the prize money for billboards and TV ads that just shows me smiling and giving a thumbs up next to the words THIS GUY WON THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE… SWELL JOB, CORY.

The Chinese guy can’t go to the ceremony to accept his award in person because in prison in China. This doesn’t make China look too good, does it? One of their citizens is fighting for rights in China because China sucks, and that citizen wins a worldwide prize for peace because the rest of the world recognizes how much China sucks, and that citizen can’t accept the award because he’s in jail for saying how much China sucks – thus proving to the world that China sucks. And when asked for a comment, China said, “Fuck you, we’re China!”

Obama also rubs the fact that he got to go when he won last year in this guy’s face:

I regret that Mr. Liu and his wife were denied the opportunity to attend the ceremony that Michelle and I attended last year.

Ha, what a dick.

This is the picture I use when talking about peace and President Obama (in case you were wondering, which you probably weren’t, so all this was a waste of time, oh well).

Obama accepted the Nobel Peace prize, today or yesterday or fairly recently, and talked about the necessity of war. That’s funny. This is also funny:

• “I am at the beginning, and not the end, of my labors on the world stage,” the president said. “Compared to some of the giants of history who have received this prize … my accomplishments are slight.”

He knows he doesn’t deserve it. But that’s over a million dollars in the bank for him, so suck on that suckas. It reminds me of the dude in high school that gets picked by everyone to be The Most Likely To Succeed. He seems smart, got good grades, but there’s a solid chance he’s going to get way too into drugs and alcohol in college – because he didn’t do any of that in high school – and he’ll probably knock up the first drunk chick that let’s him bang her and he can’t put on a condom wasted because he’s never put one on sober. He may not drop out of college, but I don’t think that’s what all the alcoholic-drug-addict-slut losers who majored in business and now make bank had in mind when they thought about The Most Likely To Succeed. I was selected Most Awesome. Yes I was! Fuckin’ prove I wasn’t then. No, I don’t have a copy of my yearbook, it was stolen. No, I don’t keep in touch with anyone in high school who could let me borrow it. Why do you want to prove wrong? Damn it, just let me have this one…

Peace Man, dig it, yeah… People are giving the man a hard time about winning the stupid Nobel Peace Prize. How come no one was upset when he was nominated; how come no one said anything about it until he won; how come… actually that kind of fell flat. I was going for a bunch of ‘How Comes’ separated by semicolons, but I didn’t really think it through first. Oh well.

Anyway. I don’t think anyone even knew he was nominated, I don’t think anyone even knew that the Nobel Peace Prize was about to be given out. No one f’n cares about the Nobel Prize except the people who win them – because the win over a million dollars – and those who think they should (like scientists and poets).

Having to defend their pick, some Nobel people said, from this story:

“Alfred Nobel wrote that the prize should go to the person who has contributed most to the development of peace in the previous year,” Jagland said.

“Who has done more for that than Barack Obama?”

Who? I not only got two angry drunk chicks to stop fighting at a party last weekend, I even got them to make out with each other a little bit… It was awesome.

What a year this guy is having though, huh: he becomes the first black president of the United States and wins the Nobel Peace Prize… if he bangs Megan Fox in the Oval Office by the end of the year he’ll become the greatest human being who has ever lived, and who will ever live. Until the first female president wins the Nobel Prize in Physics and bangs Megan Fox in the Oval Office; that’s no contest.