Political Sex

A strange campaign ad for GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain has come out that features his campaign manager. If the purpose of this ad was purely to go viral, it worked. As for a campaign ad… I dig the concept, but of course they did it wrong. Also, if you ever watched that show Lie To Me, or know a little about body language you’ll get a kick out of how many times he shakes his head “No” when talking about Cain.

Let’s break this son-of-a-bitch down:

:00 – That “I Am America” song by the kinda hot Krista Branch

:02 – Who the fuck is this guy?

:04 – Who the fuck is Mark Block?

:10 – Ah. Cain’s Chief of Staff… alright then.

:14 – Bad jump cut; says “tomorrow…” I hate when videos do that timely thing.

:21 – Head Shake Number 1. “…put united back in United States…”

:23 – Head Shake Number 1 – 4. “If I didn’t believe that…”

:26 – Head Shake Number 5. “We’ve run a campaign like no one…”

:30 – Head Shake Number 6. “…never seen a candidate like Herman Cain.”

:37 – He does nod “Yes” while saying “We can do this.”

:40 – Takes drag from cigarette; should have been smoking through whole ad.

:41 – Cue the “I Am America” refrain while he exhales smoke. Just weird.

:46 – Oh, hey there Herman, why so serious.

:48 – I think I see a smile in there… come on… let’s see those pearly whites.

:51 – There it is!

:55 – Ad ends without Harman Cain saying he’s Herman Cain and he approves the message.

I like it! But it needed to have this weirdo smoking the whole time, with exaggerated, very audible drags… and no song. And it should have been in black-and-white.

Is it good for his campaign? Yes. Will he be the GOP nominee? Probably not. Will he be the next President of the United States? No.

Why do political ads have to look like movie trailers? Michael Bay and the producers of ‘Armageddon’ could probably sue over this new Rick Perry ad, or at least get royalties; I was actually disappointed that it didn’t have Ben Affleck standing up slowly with sweat dripping from his chin while the camera spins around him.

Let’s break it down:

0:00 - That’s the back of the Original Los Angeles Flower Market, which is part of LA’s Flower District and it seems to be doing pretty good, complete with solar panels. So, what’s the message with this image; Obama’s the reason put a plastic bag on a parking meter? Litter!!!!

0:13 – Empty greeting card aisle? It’s so bad, no one is saying “Thank you.”

0:20 – Start of fairly effective “President Zero/Jobs” montage. The whole ad could have been this 25 seconds, but then what would they do with all that ‘This is America’ footage.

0:45 – Horse legs running in water… okay.

0:50 – Kid with American flag cape, which if that were happening in real life the kid’s 65-year-old neighbor would be chasing the little thief.

0:59 – Cows.

1:08 – Awesome high-five in time with the music beat.

1:14 – What the hell is going on there?

1:19 – Kid with toy plane while fighter jets fly overhead. Michael Bay peed a little when he saw this (probably happened).

1:28 – “I sold Rick Perry a hot dog and got to be in a video; today’s a good day, a good day indeed.”

1:32 – Okay, Rick, this is where you’re going to stand in a field and look off into the distance. Hmm, actually look towards the sun, ah, yes, there’s the squint we were looking for.

I know what you’re thinking, you really want to see Bruce Willis save the world right now.

Eh, whatever. At least movie preview ads are better then the look-here’s-some-average-people-who-said-something-needs-to-change-in-Washington ads, but unfortunately for Ron Paul he looks like elf – and not a bad-ass, Lord of the Rings elf, but a making cookies, helping cobblers kind of elf. Instead of the big-action-thriller voice guy, they should have gotten the geek-who-will-probably-get-the-girl-but-not-the girl-he-thought-he-wanted-but-the girl-who’s-been-his-best-friend-since-they-were-kids voice guy.

Too many hyphens? Fuck you…

Uh… What the Fuck was that… I know I don’t endorse spending time watching anything, but god damn it you have to watch that whole thing… is that actually a real political ad? No… Yeah… Really? Get the fuck out of here, no way… Damn.